instead of introducing himself with a declaration of faith, he sought an excuse for his lack of faith.  to apologize that, despite trying so hard, and  for so long, he couldn’t believe and he couldn’t help it. 

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and here was faith just as well: faith in trying, in being heard– one which could never manifest when he was alone.  and perhaps just such an effort would one day save him.

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Credo, but I’m not sure in what.”  -Dostoevsky

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